So I’m writing this on a day where I feel really low. It comes with a pint glass full of frustration too because I’ve been doing so well with keeping negativity and my anxiety under control recently. But I’m trying to see the upside of this day too: the fact that today has upset me is because I was extremely happy, just because I was looking after myself properly.
At the beginning of this week I decided I wanted to start walking to and from college. I didn’t set a dramatic goal like “I’m going to walk to college forever!” or “I can’t ever catch the bus again!!”; I just said to myself each day “Why don’t you try walking in today?”. I actually really enjoy it even if it does mean turning up to college a bit sweaty at the start of my first lesson! And yesterday, I went to the gym again for the first time for about 3 or 4 months. I’d been putting it off because of my anxiety – I’ve put on a little bit of weight and I’ve been self-conscious about walking into a gym in front of big muscly men and tiny toned women. But I forget that there’s actually people of all different shapes and sizes, old and young there too. I really loved it once I got started and I was able to do more for longer than I could 4 months ago, which was such a buzz for me. Exercise has contributed to me feeling a lot better and I wish I didn’t put it off so much before this point.
Taking time out each day and not giving myself a hard time for doing so has also been something that’s helped me improve. I’ve started taking a bath on some evenings, where I just calm down before I go to sleep. This is where I wash my hair too so I can sleep in a bit later in the mornings, which has made me feel so much better when it’s time to get up instead of feeling anxious that I’ll be late or drained that I’m so tired despite only just waking up.
I’ve started appreciating the good things that I do each day. I couple of mornings this week I woke up immediately feeling anxious, but I still dragged myself into college and accomplished good work despite a bad start to the day. I try and make the most of my time now to either do things I enjoy or to do college work. I even invited friends over to my house last night, which I don’t often do because I’m stuck in a mindset where I don’t believe I’m good company or a good host when people come over. But we had a really good time!
And this morning, when I woke up and knew today was going to be hard, I tried to remember that things too often get overcomplicated – we’re just chemicals in a skin bag at the end of the day!! And no matter what, I know I’ll get to go to bed tonight and try again tomorrow. But for now, I’ll enjoy this cup of chamomile tea and think about what food I’m going to have when I meet mum in town for lunch.
I hope you have a great day today.